Happy people, tall people, diverse people, seafood, mexican food, coffee, the mall, pretention, modern convienences, clean streets, the OCEAN, a brilliant sunset, clean air, real gelato, mimosa, warmth, familiarity, old  friends, family.  Things I didn't realize I missed. 

I don't get blatantly stared at wherever I go.  I can assume there will be toilet paper and a sink in every bathroom (that is also western!), no smog, no spitting, no smokers, no "exotic" smells at every corner, no seething masses of humanity at every busy street.  It's all a little...bland.  And superficial. Some people look incredibly fake...so much makeup!  So many fake tans!  I know that this is my world, this is my "real world," but something still doesn't feel quite right, or even real.  It's all a little bit too "Desperate Housewives" ish around here.  Ironically enough, I've really missed that show lol. 

Everything familiar still has a certain novelty about it.   I'm feeling a little more back to "normal" (whatever that is) though, thanks to seeing old friends and revisiting favorite places.  Why is it that I can hit the ground running when I go abroad but returning home takes so much time for readjustment?  lol I'm still confused with my American phone, I wonder how the weather can be so warm, I marvel at how convienent everything is, I almost always bring tissue with me to the bathroom, I stare in wonder at distinctly "American" people, I was overwhelmed at first sight of the ocean.  I feel a bit odd, but it's getting better.  Eventually it all may just seem like a dream.  Hopefully it won't be like that...I want to remember it all, and take the experiences it gave me wherever I go.  I just have to figure out a good way to include my old life into my new one. 

“Every on of us is losing something precious to us.  Lost opportunities, lost possiblilities, feelings we can never get back again.  That’s part of what it means to be alive.  But inside our heads—there’s a little room where we store those memories.  A room like the stacks in this library.  And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference ards.  We have to dust things off every once in a while, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases.  In other words, you’ll live forever in your own private library.”

-Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

After a self reflective three day stint flying solo in Shanghai, I came to realize that there are so many metaphors in life that need paying attention to, but we’re often too busy or involved with other people to notice.  They come in all forms—a leaf falling off a tree, a gift, a book, anything. 

As a lone wanderer in the old colonial city, I had plenty of time (maybe too much time) to think about these matters.  I thought about my time in China, what it’s meant to me, how it’s changed me, how the people I met along the way affected me.  I also wondered if I had any affect on anyone or anything. 

Anyways, for the past few days, I’ve been reading into pretty much everything.  Here are some of my musings:

 On breaking my camera:
It’s hard to lose something that I use so much.    Keeping memories are extremely important to me, and not being able to use my camera is almost like not being able to preserve them.  I think what’s most upsetting is the thought of lost possibilities for pictures.  Sigh,  I guess it makes me focus more on the here and now.  And then I remembered that the camera was just a shell that I stuck the more important thing in—the memory card!  So all was not lost.  As long as I have the “soul” of the camera with me, I’ll be fine.  And then I thought, hey, aren’t we all just shells with a memory card? 

And then, when we die, we get reformatted and our new shell can’t remember what was there before.  How sad.

Meh, as long as I try and dust off those old memories once in a while I’ll be fine and be able to move on. 

On getting lost while wondering about:
Sometimes just going with the flow is what you need to do. 

Unexpectedly discovering hidden treasures is better than searching for them.

On viewing the Bund from the top of the Pearl Tower:
If you have enough money to make it to the top, it doesn’t really mean much unless you have someone there to share it with you. 

 On getting out of the wrong subway exit:Where you come out from can completely change your perspective on where you are.  Even though you may be headed towards the same destination as others that got off at different exits, your view on how beautiful or difficult life is depends on how you get there.  Where you come from, for the most part, predetermines how you’ll get there. 

On the old parts of Shanghai
You can’t ever completely escape the past, no matter how modern and developed you fancy yourself to be.  The laundry hanging out the windows, the fish gutting on the streets, it’s all still there amidst the gleaming towers of progress.  It seems to humble Shanghai by reminding it that it’s still China. 

 On the Bund
The Bund is the greatest metaphor for where I am right now in my life.  To the right stood the proud, archaic beauties of the past.  To the left loomed the ever developing, uncertain future.  I didn’t know which way to turn.  I can’t always be looking back on the past.  No matter how great it was, it’s still just…the past.  It’s gone.  However, it gave me a foundation; it made me who I am today.  I won’t—can’t—forget it, but now the time has come for me to start focusing my energies on the brand new life that lies ahead. 

On Kafka on the Shore:

I finished it on my way home on the train last night, after all the thinking and reflections and everything.  It was gut-wrenchingly too close to home.  So much of what I have been feeling was cleverly put into words by Murakami, and I think I was meant to read this book at the end of my journey.

As for the things I can’t express with words…a character suggested that some things you just can’t explain, and perhaps the best thing to do is to leave them as they are. 

My belief in fate has been increasingly deepened while I’ve been in China.  Too many things have happened…too many important bonds with people have been created…too many metaphors offering explanation…

This isn’t to say that all things are predetermined, just that; the road in life may be set, but how you chose to take it will make you who you are and determine how you reach your destination. 

I certainly hope I’m making the right choices.